Droog's Reality

My life has no meaning right now.  It needs to.  I literally wake up, waste time, eat somewhere in the middle and then go to sleep.  Empty.  No job.  No pets.  No man.  And I know why I don't pursue my goals.  I'm terrified of failing.  I'm rarely quiet.  I keep a steady stream of sound to distract me from what I'm avoiding.  I have no life but it's only because I'm in my way.

I only like him because he treats me like shit.   You think that by knowing this, I'd snap out of it.  I can't.  I think his apathy  reminds me of my father.

All I know is that he is an unhealthy person.  I am more unhealthy around him.  I'm much to good for him.  He doesn't deserve to turn me down.  I'm dynamic and intense and love very strongly.  Someday, I will find a man who deserves me.  It won't be him.

So for a few years now, I've had no real goals.  No real purpose.  A person tends to underestimate the effects that having no purpose creates.  I'm disabled so I get money every month to survive.  I don't work.  I don't work for anyone or for myself.  I get up as I feel like it.  I go to sleep when I feel like it.  I waste my days surfing the net, checking my email and watching tv on the computer.

when I was in the hospital, I told myself that if I could walk again, if I could talk again, if I could do these things then I wouldn't take them for granted.  It seems like that's all I've done.  I want to be inspired to do more.  I started a 'professional' blog that I hope to use someday as an example of my work.  I started a poetry website that's just dedicated to that.  I crave no structure.  I want to try to fit my talents into a fluid creativity that I govern and that has a purpose.  I don't know what it will be yet but defining it will help focus my mind so I will know it when I see it.

I was very sick a few years ago and my boyfriend at the time, we'll call him Chris, stuck by me and helped me until I could get on my feet.  We were a pretty shitty couple, but he stayed by my side for a couple years and then moved on.  I took our break-up pretty hard, but agreed we would just be friends.  Since the break-up over a year ago, he's stayed a friend.  He's truly been there for me and has helped me with things as recently as yesterday.  A true friend.  We speak or email a couple times a week.  But I feel like he enjoys tormenting me.  He knows I've had a hard time moving on and he can't just leave it be.  It's almost like he waits until he gets a new girlfriend and then can't wait to tell me things just so he can upset me.  I want to enjoy his friendship, not dread it.  I just don't get it.  All I know is that it hurts.  I get that he's moved on.  I've moved on too but that doesn't mean I want to hear details of how happy he is giving her jewelry or living with her or whatever.  Why do I have to know anything about her?

I'm sick of not knowing what's going on.  And whenever I make a statement or have an opinion someone points out how wrong it is.  I'm getting to where I'm afraid to say anything.  God, fuck everyone.  Eat shit pussys!

So I 40.  I'm a young 40 so that's good.  I don't have an ounce of sex appeal though.  I think it's about time... how do I learn to flirt?  How do I bring out my inner slut?

It's weird being me and living my life.  There are no schedules to keep. No reasons to do things at a certain time.  For instance, going to bed at a decent hour or waking up at a decent hour.  It doesn't matter when I go to sleep or wakeup.  Or when I eat.  No one is depending on me.  Not a boyfriend, not a boss or a roommate or a husband.  It's a strange mindset to do what you want whenever you feel like it.  Something about it seems like I'm breaking a rule.  But who's rule?  I like doing what I want when I want.  Screw the rules.

I was steered toward Vox by someone else.  To be honest, I never even knew it existed before today.  Lots of cool bells and whistles.  I feel like I'm still trying to figure out my user name so there will probably be a few changes. 

The blog I used to have had so much baggage attached to it.  I made a critical error in judgment by meeting people on my blogs neighborhood.  Big mistake.  I don't know what I'm going to do yet but I'm seriously thinking of abandoning that blog completely.