My life has no meaning right now. It needs to. I literally wake up, waste time, eat somewhere in the middle and then go to sleep. Empty. No job. No pets. No man. And I know why I don't pursue my goals. I'm terrified of failing. I'm rarely quiet. I keep a steady stream of sound to distract me from what I'm avoiding. I have no life but it's only because I'm in my way.
I only like him because he treats me like shit. You think that by knowing this, I'd snap out of it. I can't. I think his apathy reminds me of my father.
All I know is that he is an unhealthy person. I am more unhealthy around him. I'm much to good for him. He doesn't deserve to turn me down. I'm dynamic and intense and love very strongly. Someday, I will find a man who deserves me. It won't be him.
So for a few years now, I've had no real goals. No real purpose. A person tends to underestimate the effects that having no purpose creates. I'm disabled so I get money every month to survive. I don't work. I don't work for anyone or for myself. I get up as I feel like it. I go to sleep when I feel like it. I waste my days surfing the net, checking my email and watching tv on the computer.
when I was in the hospital, I told myself that if I could walk again, if I could talk again, if I could do these things then I wouldn't take them for granted. It seems like that's all I've done. I want to be inspired to do more. I started a 'professional' blog that I hope to use someday as an example of my work. I started a poetry website that's just dedicated to that. I crave no structure. I want to try to fit my talents into a fluid creativity that I govern and that has a purpose. I don't know what it will be yet but defining it will help focus my mind so I will know it when I see it.
I was very sick a few years ago and my boyfriend at the time, we'll call him Chris, stuck by me and helped me until I could get on my feet. We were a pretty shitty couple, but he stayed by my side for a couple years and then moved on. I took our break-up pretty hard, but agreed we would just be friends. Since the break-up over a year ago, he's stayed a friend. He's truly been there for me and has helped me with things as recently as yesterday. A true friend. We speak or email a couple times a week. But I feel like he enjoys tormenting me. He knows I've had a hard time moving on and he can't just leave it be. It's almost like he waits until he gets a new girlfriend and then can't wait to tell me things just so he can upset me. I want to enjoy his friendship, not dread it. I just don't get it. All I know is that it hurts. I get that he's moved on. I've moved on too but that doesn't mean I want to hear details of how happy he is giving her jewelry or living with her or whatever. Why do I have to know anything about her?
I'm sick of not knowing what's going on. And whenever I make a statement or have an opinion someone points out how wrong it is. I'm getting to where I'm afraid to say anything. God, fuck everyone. Eat shit pussys!
So I 40. I'm a young 40 so that's good. I don't have an ounce of sex appeal though. I think it's about time... how do I learn to flirt? How do I bring out my inner slut?
It's weird being me and living my life. There are no schedules to keep. No reasons to do things at a certain time. For instance, going to bed at a decent hour or waking up at a decent hour. It doesn't matter when I go to sleep or wakeup. Or when I eat. No one is depending on me. Not a boyfriend, not a boss or a roommate or a husband. It's a strange mindset to do what you want whenever you feel like it. Something about it seems like I'm breaking a rule. But who's rule? I like doing what I want when I want. Screw the rules.
I was steered toward Vox by someone else. To be honest, I never even knew it existed before today. Lots of cool bells and whistles. I feel like I'm still trying to figure out my user name so there will probably be a few changes.
The blog I used to have had so much baggage attached to it. I made a critical error in judgment by meeting people on my blogs neighborhood. Big mistake. I don't know what I'm going to do yet but I'm seriously thinking of abandoning that blog completely.
welcome to vox.. i love the feather you have as your homepage bar. I promise there is no drama on... read more
on Opportunity?